To my beautiful Mother...

This is my mother at the age of 16...
I wanted to share something I came across looking through my old journals, I found a poem I wrote for my mother back in 2003....


There you are so old and wise.... A life experienced through suck beautiful eyes. Parents who loved you... A husband who cares, Children that look up to you and strangers who cant help but stop and share....

Your life is a journey... A road that no one knows... You've lost so much a long the way, to only learn and grow.

The many blessings in your life, Show through all your fears.. To look into those beautiful eyes, Tells stories of so many tears..

As you live, you learn to deal... With life's so many unexpected. The loss of loved ones, a birth of a child... All of this is brought and shown, through your beautiful dimpled smile...

Which "Path" should I take?

Why is it that I continue to go towards a path that I know is off limits? It is with my own doing that this "path" has met its end though I continue to try and force it to continue.... I know that there are somethings in life that we have to do for our own good, though I do not feel as though there was any want in what I had chosen.

I beat myself up every day for the choice that I made, though I know that it was the best choice I could have made at the time for my family... I may sound silly but I just cant seem to cope, maybe because somehow without my doing or searching this "path" seems to want to continue as well. Its ended and done, though can it branch off and take another? Yet again do I want to forget what was? Just to go with the flow and create a new one? I dont think so... I dont think i'll ever forget, If I cant have it the way it was then I dont know if I could handle the new.

I try so very hard to move on but I for some reason seem to be stuck in this limbo of things that wont allow me to continue... everywhere is a reminder of what was...

Why cant I just want to live for what is going to be?

(Im sure this makes absolutly no sense to anyone but myself, but thats ok I needed to get some stuff off my chest withough specifics....)

Sleepy anyone?

Raise of hands? Who has ever been this tired?????

Ok so all I can do is laugh when I look at this photo, why? Well for one its just plain funny, Two, well I very well could be this tired today...

Referancing back to "The Begining" I remember saying something about two jobs, mmm right did I also mention that I was crazy? Its now 9 am and I am on my 4th cup of coffee cause my Tired ass didnt get home from the bar till 2am (mind you I was suppose to be off at midnight)... Not only did I get home at 2am, I had to be up by 6am to take little miss Payton to the babysitter so I could be working by 6:30... OH WAIT! I do it all over again today, lol can someone please tell me what im doing? j/k









On a more exciting note: I got a new car... Its about time :) Though my sisters may call it the "MiniWagon" lol I absolutly LOVE it...

Theres always a begining....

OK so I've always been into writing though I've never really shared anything with anyone other then my Family...

Though It may seem on the surface that I love to yak on and on about myself, when it comes to writing stuff down about "ME" (because lets face it I'm pretty much amazing... lol) I have never been much into it.... OK so enough of that, because laughing at myself in an empty room doesn't make me sound normal at all....

So starting things off right....

I have the most amazing, most beautiful, most wonderful little girl in the world (not like I'm prejudice or anything.. hehe)... Though a few years ago going into the Military (no matter how short lived) I thought my life was on a path that didn't involve little children at all. I myself never wanted kids and if I had decided to do so it wouldn't have been for a long long time... All that being said, I wouldn't change a thing, Payton is my absolute world and she is what I revolve around.. I myself could never imagine nor do I really want to, what my life would be like right now without that little angel...

Payton is almost 2 years old, 21 months to be exact. I don't know if it is just me being a mom or if lots of kids progress such as Payton.. This little girl is so incredibly smart I cant believe some of the stuff she comes up with. On her own she decided that she wanted to learn the ABC'S, she knows the whole alphabet by heart with no help from others... She sings every kids song you could think of by heart (again no help from others), my personal favorite is her version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" its is the by far the cutest.

You know, she walked up to me the other day and says to me "Oh GOSH Mommy, I made a mess" for me to find out that she spilt her water all over the kitchen floor... I just cant get over the sentences and phrases that this little one comes up with on her own.

As for me....

Well I'm not really all that exciting, I work my butt off and do it all for her. I work currently as an employee of eBay during the day Mon - Sat and then for some extra money to help out I work at Tracks Brewing (its a bar) on Thur - Saturday... Pretty sure that I'm always tired and I couldn't think my family enough for the help they give me with Payton, I don't know what I would do without any of them... When I can make time for myself I love to paint, others tell me that I'm good at it but I do it because I enjoy myself while I am painting.... Last but not least I absolutely love to go out and Salsa Dance, there is a place I go in Sugar House that I really enjoy.. I haven't been in a really really long time but I'm hoping to be able to make a trip this Saturday... Whoooo! lol

Cant forget the "FAM"

My parents, I don't know if anyone could ever Compare to the parents that I was blessed with in this world... My sisters, though sometimes we may fight or not agree on some things I love them all so much... I have such a different relationship with them all but again, as I may say this a lot I wouldn't know what to do without any of them..

Just as sometimes I don't know what to do without my Big Brother, Paul was so protective of me and shit I just miss him. The other day (July 19th) was the 8th anniversary of his death, it hit me really hard this year for some reason... Instead of focusing on his death though I know that he is where he needs to be... I am so thankful I got to spend the 14 years with him that I did, I always wanted to be with him no matter how much he tormented me... Though I know his torment was his way of showing me he loved me... He will always be my Big brother and protector, as I know he still has his ways of protecting me.

So anyways... This in its entirety is "My Beginning" who knows if I'll continue to blog but it seems easy enough... lol

LOVE YOU ALL!